JJ

It was only a a few days ago when I crawled in bed with you to slowly wake you up from a nap.  There you were, a tiny little creature in a huge king sized bed.  As I rested my head and watched your little body at rest I couldn’t help but think how beautiful you are and how I couldn’t wait to have one of my own.  I watched you enter the world, and watched our family prepare for you.  We were all so excited for your arrival, and when that moment came it couldn’t happen fast enough.

Everyone loves you so much PBelle.  Words simply cannot describe that love and how valuable you are in our family.  As you slept tears of happiness rolled down my cheek, thinking of your laugh, your smile, and your big personality for such a young little soul.  We all are going to continue to learn so much from you.  

I loved that when you opened your eyes and saw me laying next to you, you moved closer to me.  You knew I was safe, and wanted me to know that you knew.  I never forget that feeling.  Some of my absolute favorite moments in life have been shared with you and you’re only 2!  Imagine what the future holds for you!  :) 

The theme of my life lately has been reconnecting.  I have reconnected to home, old friends, and with myself.  It’s good to be home, and smelling that fresh mountain air.  Waking up and driving to work looking at the Rockies has never been so beautiful!  This is home, and always will be.  Everything about Colorado is more vibrant and diverse then I have ever thought it was.  It’s awesome to have the wisdom to appreciate it more.  

I am finding comfort in reconnecting with old friends.  There is something about being with people who have known you before you were you.  Buying my childhood best friend shots at her bachelorette party, hanging with friends from elementary, and middle school. Reminiscing on how awesome life was when we were all together, but thankful we can all come back together and pick up right where we left off.  Running into old teachers and telling them how amazing they were and thanking them for making you fall in love with the little things in life.

I sometimes feel like it’s hard fitting into everyone’s life again.  They all have new routines, new friends, big girl or boy jobs, more babies, husbands, wives, etc. but it’s all about the love.  Love makes me happy, and I am tired of holding back.  I am who I am and I know how to be me and make it work in life.  Reconnecting with old feelings, and thoughts are only making me stronger and it feels great!  So I am excited to collide my two worlds between my two homes and making them one.  It’s the only place where I know I belong.  One without the other is incomplete.

It sure is disgusting to come on here and see how long it’s been since I have blogged!  It is definitely time to put those old thoughts to rest and let the new ones come to life.  I forget how refreshing typing my thoughts can be, knowing for sure at least one person will read them, and the unknown possibility of others.  It’s good to be back and I am setting a goal to do this more often!   

There is something strangely beautiful about me and I have pretty much always been aware of it.  People don’t get it.  They just don’t.  I have always felt like I needed someone in this world where I seem to be lost to understand…anyone really.  Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone.

It took a long time.  It was rough at times, but that’s what got us there.  I have never in my life been so overwhelmed with emotion and it is still hard to put into words.  You’re the person who sees me for me.  The only person really.  My best friend, my family, my soul mate ( sounds like we are lesbian lovers).  Over the past 25 years particularly the last three I have learned so much from you.  I have learned how I want my kids to love me, how I want to love them and other people.  You have given me the courage to have a voice when dealing with psychotic family and friends :),  the courage to love and open my heart again.  But the coolest thing I have gotten from you is how to forgive the unforgivable, and not just to forgive but how to love the person you forgave.  This means more to me then you will ever know, but you probably do know.  There are so many incredible things that I get from you and I don’t even know that they are there until they come out.

I realized that I hadn’t thought about how much we mean to each other until I rolled out of your driveway.  If I would have known you were doing exactly what I wanted to do, I would have turned around.  I feel the same way.  When you told me the first thing I wanted to do is put my arms around you and make it better.  I still want to.  It’s gotten harder because I know you are hurting and so am I.  My heart hurts and I am not sure I can do this.  I have to try.  That’s more of a pep talk for myself, but you know what I am trying to say.

Thank you for being you, and for loving me.  It’s a wonderful gift.  The best.  We are really lucky.  You are so beautiful and precious to me.  The best part of that beauty is you have no idea how beautiful you are.  

I am still in a world where I am not really sure where I belong, but now I feel more at ease knowing that I am not alone.   I have you.  We have each other.  Near or far we are always close.